|
| It's been ages since writing on this blog. Currently living in the Inner Sunset with some former roommates. Still working at UCSF Mission Bay doing science, whatever that means. Almost two years out of college, the time I spent in Berkeley is a distant memory in my mind. Though my life hasn't really changed much since then. Everything just transitioned into slightly different activities.
I'm fortunate to be working for the Reiter lab. It doesn't seem like work, but rather, an activity that I feel a personally invested in. Though sometimes repetitive, as with everything in life, I enjoy the experiments, reading and daily interactions at the job. Things have worked out pretty well. I got one publication under my belt, though only a 2nd author (http://www.nature.com/nm/journal/vaop/ncurrent/full/nm.2011.html), but for once in my life, I get something extra, some frosting on my life cake.
I'm still spending time at the Berkeley Free Clinic. It's been a great four years, though it's painful to see people come and go. Though I feel more and more capable and as I take on more and more responsibility, I'm saddened to see so many of my colleagues move on with their lives, going to off to medical or graduate school. I find myself with plenty of time to sit and either meditate with the daily commute.
Neither tremendously happy nor seriously depressed about anything, life's just steadily running by. I'm not applying to medical school this year, but I'll be doing that this upcoming June. It's a bit crazy in my mind, everything's done, the MCAT, my classes, the work I've put into this endeavor for the past 6 or so years, it's coming to fruition.
I try to read here and there, try to relax, try to get regular sleep. I've started to do kick boxing at a local gym at the request of a friend (I promised him I'd get into that world of mixed martial arts).
I'll be taking an introduction to business class for kicks that meets once a week.
Other than that, I'm wearing the same old red shorts, drinking my Philz coffee, listening to NPR, and being Allen.
Though lonely at times, with some friends gone off to the southern hemisphere, some friends going off to medical school and other good friends going to the East Coast (especially my intellectual conversation partner of six arts), nothings too bad.
| | |
| I've spent the last six years working on an identity. I've shaped it through various avenues and pursuits; all sincere and always through natural interest.
But I've come to realize that the Allen that you all know, isn't the Allen that I want to be. I've had a few deep conversations with many friends and though cliche, I really don't know who the fuck I am anymore. It's not one of those, having a dramatic experience or selling your soul for money type of events. It's that I woke up one day and felt it. Nothing more than that. I can feel like I could rip open my skin and just pop out.
(NERD TALK WARNING SKIP NOW)
This is perhaps, the most apt analogy. Imagine, if you will, putting Megatron's Spark, into Optimus Prime's body. I'm not saying I'm the leader of the decepticons, nor can I transform into a truck, but I feel like something isn't fitting together within me.
I've done a lot, reflected a lot, but I've had this yearning to be more than I am now. I'm a fat, half korean, caterpillar, too lazy to spin my web of cocoon, or just can't cause he's eaten so much subway.
That is indeed the saddest thought, don't you think? The caterpillar that never becomes a butterfly. Instead, he's stuck on his leaf eating away, one foot long at a time.
Now, let me go back to the business of living.
| | |
| Everything in my life just all of a sudden, got even more intense. Work's been rough, going to have to start teaching again for the Free Clinic and above all, I gotta apply to medical school. Holy shit.
I guess this is when I find myself thriving; when I'm on the edge of a complete mental collapse. Somehow, this is what I wanted in my life. Busy, busy, busy, busy.
But life's good to me. I'm generally happy and I can't complain about much. Got some loud roommates, but I had my fun, I work pretty hard and I don't have anything super dramatic.
I've begun to notice more about everyday life. I can't seem to explain it. It's more of a keener self awareness of my everyday actions. I am seeing the connections of all the consequences of what I do and don't do. I'm less afraid to deal with people up front and most importantly, to owe up to what mistakes that I did, immediately, rather than to have it stew and build up in myself. Rather than have my worries fester in my soul, I let it be a friendly reminder and I just act accordingly. It's really really subtle but it's there.
Anyways, will be moving again in August, back to my usually antics of living in the living room. That's my natural ecology anyways. It's not like I need or really utilized privacy. Who needs that when you have 400$ extra dollars in your pocket?
| | |
| It takes a stint of caffeine and a quiet ride on BART to bring on the reflective side of myself. The familiarity of the Bay Area landscapes brings a sense of quietness to my mind. I sit, hidden in my little corner of some run down cafe in San Francisco. Today is Monday. I am not with anyone. I'd have coffee.
The year living in the Mission brought about a good deal of unrealized maturity. I've sought to emulate the last bits of my college career, the abundance of work and continuation of activities. I continue to find my job, not really a job, but another experience to learn new skills and for personal development. It was a bit of a struggle trying to balance everything, my job, my volunteer experience, studying for standardized tests, applying to medical school, even now I don't really know how I'm suppose to settle down or settle in.
Maybe I'm not suppose to. After High School, I moved pretty much every year til now. I've never had a sense of home. Though I know my roots, my background, lay in the Bay Area, I don't really have a sense of what my home is. I never truly feel uncomfortable living in any place, yet I always find myself thinking that each Apartment, each living room, that i live in, it's just temporary. I've had my fun going to bars, certain live events that involve questionable activities. I'm going to move again, come this August. The pace of my life isn't going to change much, but the backdrop and the lair (also know as the living room) that I reside in will change.
I understand that sometimes, I come off as overly "allen." A few of you know exactly what I mean. I can sometimes cause people to cringe as I spew high pitched (verbal diarrhea as some know), speeches on a figurative soap-box. Perhaps it's the intensity or the novelty that makes people duct down for no reason. Though intentionally it is meant to be a way to connect with people, I realize I have to tone it down. I don't know where I got this insatiable need to get attention, but I have to dial it down a bit.
I still feel very undifferentiated. I can still see many possibilities with my life. It all feels very uncertain, though now recently, it doesn't seem so scary.
I told someone recently that I don't fear dying. Perhaps it's because I have yet to connect myself to roots, like a family, like kids, like a variable rate interest mortgage. | | |
| Sometimes, I think I'm slipping into some form of early onset dementia. My mom did give birth to me at a relatively older age, who knows what kind of genetic disorder that's waiting to come out.
The weather is crispy, and my allergies are going insane. Primed up and ready to go, my nostril is a gushing waterfall of my bodily fluids. Ugh.
Work's the same, living in the mission is the same, nothing new in my life. Done with the MCAT, but I'm still in that heightened sense of urgency. Always feel the need to be productive, and I can't sit down and just mellow out. There's always something due, always something I could be doing. The desk needs to be reorganized again, because I know there is some sort of fung shui combo that can aligned the stars so that my karma goes up. I want nothing. I wish to discard everything. Crap, the desk needs reorganizing again.
I'm turning into a workaholic. Fuck, I've always been one in some sense. You can get lost into work. It's a way to escape large grand life conflicts that you ought to sort out. For some people, they spend their time figuring out really important things such as: which berkeley building you are, and which ben and jerry's ice cream flavor best fits your narcissistic personality. It's really profound stuff. really.
Work is my drug of choice. I like to take a hit of it with a side of productivity. Mmm, together they fill my veins quite nicely. just imagining it makes my eyes roll into my socket.
The nice old, perhaps slightly Alzheimer-ed, Korean Lady that ran Edge Salon in Berkeley, well, she's gone from my life. I've been going to the same place for the past 6 years to get the same haircut along with being asked the same questions:
"Oh Seol, that's a rare Korean Name"
"yeah"
"Are you korean?"
"yeah"
"do you speak korean?"
"no"
cut cut cut cut
Every, single time, I'd be asked those questions, yet she would never ask me for the style of haircut I'd like. I feel a drift now, without my korean lady barber. I don't want to go to new Barbers, it's like just like dating. I feel dumped.
----
So I'm at the cusp of a big transition in my life. I'm applying to medical school this summer.
I have this sense that I'm been or going to uprooted from everything: the bay area, my family, my friends.
I don't get this sense of belonging much to anything. Albany definitely doesn't seem like home, Berkeley seems so much alienated from me due to the fact that I've graduated, and I get this stagnant feeling from the activities and from my work. I love my job, but in terms of personal development, I don't feel like I get much out of it.
----
I really don't know where I'm headed, but it's ok since there really isn't much to look back on. I've been slowly shedding personal belongings, my clothes, my keep sakes, my guitars, everything. I want to make my journey without the burdens, a new start with new eyes.
----
I can only notice life happening in front of me, I am only observing.
| | |
|
